What Does It Mean to “Teach” a Child to Play? A Conversation Between Philippa and Julie

The Expectation That Children Just Know How to Play

Philippa wonders if part of this misconception comes from how society views play compared with other creative activities. Art, music, dance, and drama are taught subjects — children are expected to learn skills and improve. Play, however, is rarely “taught” in the same formal way.

“There’s no ‘Play’ on the national curriculum,” she notes. “Playtime is seen as a reward, something that happens outside the learning.” And, as both reflect, it’s often used as a form of punishment — you can’t go out to play until you finish your work. No one would ever say you can’t go to art today because you misbehaved, yet play is often treated as expendable.

Julie points out that this separation from learning diminishes how essential play really is. “In early years settings, play activities are set up, but they’re usually there to teach something — colour, counting, shape,” she explains. “That’s not the same as free, imaginative play.”

Philippa agrees. “Structured play teaches children cognitive skills,” she says, “but free play — the messy, imaginative, social kind — is where emotional and relational learning happens. It’s where children figure out who they are and how to be with others.”

Developmental Play: From Parallel to Cooperative

As the conversation unfolds, the pair reflect on how adults often misinterpret stages of play. When a three-year-old plays alone, adults might label them “antisocial,” when in fact, they’re engaging in parallel play — a normal and vital developmental stage.

Julie explains that “cooperative play,” where children truly share ideas and create together, often doesn’t develop until around six or seven. Yet adults often expect this much earlier. Philippa laughs at how often she hears the word share: “We’d never give our phone to someone for half an hour and let them scroll through it, but we expect toddlers to give away their favourite toy.”

When Play Becomes “A Problem”

Many of Julie’s referrals centre on behaviour — children who “can’t share,” “don’t have friends,” or “don’t play nicely.” But when she explores deeper, she often finds the issue isn’t a lack of social skill, but something more fundamental — how the child’s body or sensory system experiences the world.

She recalls a boy referred for aggression who constantly bumped into classmates. Looking back, she realises his behaviour was more about sensory regulation than meanness. “He couldn’t feel his body properly,” she reflects. “He wasn’t being rough; he literally needed to lean on other children to stay upright.”

Philippa connects this with previous conversations on sensory development: “If children don’t have that physical foundation — knowing where their body is in space — it affects how they play. They might knock things down, grab too hard, or look like they’re being ‘naughty,’ when they’re really struggling to process their sensations.”

Do Some Children Now Struggle to Play?

Julie notes that over her 20 years as a play therapist, she’s seen a change. More children come to sessions who seem unsure how to play — not just reluctant, but genuinely puzzled by open-ended materials. “They’ll walk into the room and say, ‘Miss, what am I supposed to do?’” she says. “It can take weeks before they believe they’re allowed to decide for themselves.”

Philippa wonders aloud if this reflects wider social changes — the rise of screens, the structure of modern childhood, the decline of unstructured outdoor play. “Babies begin to play with their own hands and feet before we ever give them toys,” she says. “Play starts as natural curiosity, built through connection and relationship. Maybe something’s interrupting that — technology, busyness, the lack of space for boredom.”

The Essence of Play Therapy

Ultimately, both agree that play therapy isn’t about teaching children to play in the formal sense. It’s about reconnecting them with their own playfulness — the innate language of exploration, imagination, and emotional expression.

As Julie summaries, “Gary Landreth says play is a child’s first language. But some children now haven’t developed that language — not because they can’t, but because the opportunities to practise it have been interrupted.”

Philippa nods. “And when we give them the time, space, and safety to rediscover it — that’s where the real therapy happens.”

In summary:
Play therapy isn’t a lesson in “how to play.” It’s a space where children can rediscover the language of play — to explore, express, connect, and make sense of their world. And perhaps it’s also a reminder for adults: play isn’t a luxury or a reward; it’s a vital part of growing, learning, and simply being human.