Parenting the Child in Front of You: Lessons from Dr. Vanessa Lapointe

In this week’s episode, Philippa was joined by Dr. Vanessa Lapointe — parenting educator, best-selling author, and international speaker — to explore what it truly means to “parent the child in front of you.” With over 20 years of experience and a doctorate in psychology, Dr. Vanessa has supported countless families in understanding how to see children through a developmental lens — not as “mini adults,” but as growing humans learning to navigate their world.

Parenting the Child You Have, Not the One You Hope They’ll Become

Many parents approach parenting with the end goal in mind — the kind, capable, emotionally regulated adult they want their child to grow into. But as Dr. Vanessa reminds us, development is real. The behaviours we see in a three-year-old or a thirteen-year-old are not signs of failure; they’re part of the natural unfolding of who they are becoming.

“We need to align our expectations with two things,” she explained. “The realities of child development and the realities of that child’s unique path. Every child comes into the world born under their own star.”

It’s easy to fall into fear — worrying that if our child has tantrums, forgets their manners, or talks back, they won’t grow into the kind of person we hope they will be. But that fear pulls us out of the present moment and into control and correction. “We end up parenting from fear rather than connection,” says Dr. Vanessa. “Our job is to serve the child in front of us — not the world watching from behind us in the grocery queue.”

Why Tantrums Are Good for the Brain

One of the most powerful parts of our conversation was around rethinking “meltdowns” and “misbehaviour.” Dr. Vanessa explains that tantrums are not evidence of failure — they are evidence of growth.

“When children lose it, their nervous system goes into overdrive. When we meet that with calm, firm kindness, we help wire their brain for self-regulation,” she said. “Neurons that fire together wire together.”

Every time we stay present through a child’s big feelings, we’re literally helping grow their brain’s capacity for emotional regulation. “You can pat yourself on the back after every meltdown,” she laughed. “You just helped your child grow another part of their brain.”

Connection and Boundaries Can Coexist

Being a connection-focused parent doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. It means holding boundaries with empathy. Dr. Vanessa offered a simple structure for how to do this:

“No… [state the boundary]. And I know… [acknowledge the feeling].”

For example:
“No, we can’t have cookies before dinner. I know that’s disappointing — they do look yummy, don’t they?”

This approach helps children feel seen even when the answer is no. “It’s not about making it all better or changing the no into a yes,” she explained. “It’s about holding firm with compassion, so the child feels safe within your leadership.”

When parents are too harsh, children withdraw. When parents are too permissive, children feel unsafe and unsure where the edges are. The goal is to be that “steady backbone” — firm enough to lead, soft enough to be leaned on.

The Myth of Sharing and the Reality of Development

One topic that always stirs debate is sharing. Dr. Vanessa was clear: young children simply can’t share — not because they’re selfish, but because the part of the brain that enables sharing doesn’t mature until around age five (and even then, only when emotions are calm).

“Your four-year-old isn’t being difficult; they just don’t have the wiring for it yet,” she said. “We adults have things we don’t like to share either — it’s human.”

Forcing sharing too early not only frustrates the child who isn’t ready but also robs other children of learning how to handle disappointment — a key part of resilience. Sometimes, a child not sharing is a perfect opportunity for another child to practice adaptation and problem-solving.

There’s No Such Thing as Misbehaviour

Dr. Vanessa believes that what we call “misbehaviour” is actually communication. Every slammed door, refusal to eat, or eye roll is a clue — a breadcrumb leading us toward an unmet need or emotional overload. “Children are showing us where they’re at,” she said. “Our job is to decode, not to punish.”

Sending children away to “calm down” can actually increase dysregulation, because disconnection leads to distress. Instead, we can stay close, hold the boundary, and help them find their calm through our calm. “Connection regulates,” she emphasised. “It’s what helps the brain come back to balance.”

Connection Is Everything

Dr. Vanessa ended with perhaps the most important takeaway: connection isn’t a one-time act — it’s a way of being. It shows up in micro moments: a wink across the dinner table, a smile when your child walks into the room, a gentle touch as you pass by. It also shows up in the bigger ways — showing interest in their world, spending time together, and being that steady, safe presence they can always return to.

“Connection is everything,” she said simply. “It’s the foundation on which all healthy development is built.”

Final Thought

Parenting the child in front of you isn’t about lowering expectations — it’s about meeting reality with compassion. When we focus less on who our children should be and more on who they are right now, we create the conditions for them to grow into their fullest selves — naturally, beautifully, and in their own time.

Listen to the Full Episode

You can listen to this full conversation with Dr. Vanessa Lapointe on the Pondering Play and Therapy podcast — available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and YouTube.

Follow Pondering Play and Therapy for more reflections, resources, and conversations that help us all reimagine what it means to raise and connect with children in a world that often forgets what they truly need. 💚